Acceptance.

As I reflect on the years behind me and the years ahead of me I look forward with anticipation. The events that have occurred within the past have shaped the person that I am today. From my perspective the event that changed me in adulthood was finally coming to terms with my brother’s death.  

My big brother Jovani Tovar  left a bar on December 9th 2001. He was 22, a Santa Barbara City College student, a rugby player, an aspiring chef. He saw a man punch a woman in the nose, my brother stepped in to help her. My brother didn't know the man had a gun. The man shot him twice in the chest. My brother Jovani Tovar died. My brother and I were extremely close we were the rice and beans of the family we went hand in hand. The sudden death of him really changed my perspective of life. I was thirteen when he was murdered. My teen years were extremely difficult I partied a lot, and didn't grieve for my brother correctly. Therefore when I use to drink my emotions would spiral out of control. It wasn't until the tenth anniversary memorial party for my brother that everything finally clicked.

I finally realized that my brother would not want me to carry around this emotion with me and cry for him constantly but rather to live for him because he lives on through all the lives he touched while he was alive.  This realization happened after I had relocated from California to Texas to better myself.  I moved away from California not running away but merely closing the chapter behind to start a new one. People who have not experience a loss so close to home find it difficult to understand how one can dwell on the death of a loved one for so long.  Ten years is a long time to carry a huge weight on my heart, it was exhausting, and troublesome. Time does not heal anything it just makes one realize what they are truly missing. The fact that I have come to terms with my brother’s death has made me a better person. Sometimes when people die so suddenly it really gives one a reality check that life is so precious and we should not take advantage of the life we have. Of course I have days where I hear a song or smell a smell, or reminisce of our memories that cause me to tear up but it is healthy grievance. I have accepted the fact that I was lucky enough to have my brother apart of my life for thirteen years. His death has left a heartache that no one will be able to heal. But his death also allowed for us to appreciate the true meaning of life.  I no longer have the need to always question why? And dwell on his death. I no longer dwell on his death but celebrate his life instead. 

  All in all, I am grateful for all the experiences that have occurred in my life. I know without them I would not be who I am today. For all my experience good and bad have shaped me for the better. I do in fact miss my brother more than words could ever express but I know by my determination to succeed I will make him proud by living my life to the fullest.

His resting place.

last time I saw my brother. 

City Dark 4th Blog Assignment....

The purpose of my research paper is to provide solutions on how to limit light pollution and the reason why it should be done. I plan to show the importance of how severe lighting creates problems for the world we live in today. I also plan to explain why it is beneficial for everyone to make a difference and help in preventing light pollution. Within my research paper I plan to use The City Dark movie as a source by quoting different passages within the film that is relevant to my topic at hand. I have found several online journals through Google Scholar, and Academic search engine. I plan to use them throughout my paper by letting the sources validate the information that I am presenting. I will show the effects of light pollution, list contributing factors, and show the importance of limiting light pollution.

The City Dark.....3rd Blog Assignment

The night sky is disappearing slowly but surely. We live in a world surround by bright lights and the pace of life is so fast we often forget to appreciate what lies above us at night and the fact that it is disappearing.  Ann Druyan says” Go back the last million years, how much of that time we been inside, in air-conditioned, heated, hermetically, sealed boxes little boxes?” (qtd. In City Dark).  This quote explains the mere fact that our society has lost contact with outside surroundings and has completely forgotten to live a little and indulge in activities that do not accompany technology. The night sky is something that everyone has enjoyed at their life at one point or another it’s a beauty that captures the eyes and it has a different meaning to all that care to gaze above and wonder.

How I miss the stars...

     Our family has a vacation home in Murphy's California. I always enjoy going to this place because it is so serene, beautiful, and magical. The night sky is a beautiful image. The clearest I've ever seen it was one summer night last year. The sky was so crystal clear. I was able to see the stars without any problems. I even saw a shooting star. Sitting outside in the fresh air, looking up at the stars bright as can be was so peaceful.  I think being able to look up to the sky and see the stars is an indescribable feeling. I downloaded the application star rover on my phone and was able to learn what exactly I was staring at. There's something about the presence of the stars that just makes me feel appreciative. The stars have the ability to let me ponder and gather my thoughts. There is no greater feeling then lying under the stars and being incomplete harmony with what is around me.  It makes me appreciate what is up in the sky because when I truly take it for grant the fact that the presence of stars makes all the difference. Here in Baytown, depending on the night I will be lucky enough to see

Anagrammar...hidden meanings within the poem

        The poem Anagrammer by Peter Pereira confused me because I never looked at words in the way the poem displays them. The title fits the poem perfectly because anagram means forming a word or phrase formed by reordering the letters of another word.

     The poem allowed me to see things from a different perspective. The way the poem begins threw me off. The first two stanzas begin with the phrase “if you believe”. The words the author chooses go hand in hand. Senator becomes treason, senators are known for political scandals. Debit card becomes bad credit because if one overdrafts in their bank account they can have bad credit. Listen is the same as silent, however one must be silent if they want to listen to what the other person is trying to say. Stained and Sainted are on two opposite end of the spectrum but indeed go hand in hand. When someone is need desperation, a rope ends it. That means many people be at the end of their rope because of desperation. Admirer is also married, when you are married you admire the one you are married to. The words are chosen to reflect the feelings behind the words.

         The poem is focusing on words, but taking a different approach. As the words have a double meaning the poems does as well. “Rearrange things the right way you'd find your true life”.Everything in life is not set in stone. Sometimes in life rearrangements must be made in order for other things to fall into place. The way life is lived sometimes one is on the wrong path and is not making the wisest decisions. However, something can happen that allows them to take a step back and reevaluate the way they have been living. The reevaluations causing a change and a re-arrangement of their life. Sometimes we all need a re-arrangement in our lives at one point or another to either see what we have been missing or to find what we have been missing.

            I had questions of how and why the author chose the specific words he did. The meaning he had for each phrase and how he selected the poem to flow and represent such meaning hidden between each line. Each stanza shows a hidden message displayed within it.

Not so Happily Ever After

                   In the poem “Ever After” by  Joyce Sutphen she left a lot of clues within her poem. This allowed the reader to make assumptions, read between the lines and fill in the blanks.  From my perspective the poem is discussing the act of marriage dissolution or that of divorce has deep devastating consequences on one of them. It is described by many it as that of death. Emotions interplay profoundly and it’s after effect can be terrible. 

                  Though the poem describes emotions, it is displayed not by doubt or cynicism but by maintaining its intention of what happens when two people who loved each other at one time. It describes the changes that occur within each other. When I read the poem I can feel the sadness of the poet. Each line goes more in depth than the previous one. The poems title is “Ever After”, as most fairy tales end with the phrase and they lived happily ever after. However some don’t always end that way. In fact this poem explains the feelings that one may have when face with the issue of divorce. Divorce affects everyone differently.  Marriage is a commitment a forever promise. Things do happen that cause people to get divorce.   It is not always an easy adjustment for some. In the poem it mentions that they are no one to one another, just the word that goes in from which is ex. That line sends a strong message. Someone who used to mean the world to one is now an ex-husband or ex-wife. The reason of why they divorced is not listed in the poem but as a reader I am able to pick up the distance the author portrays. 

              The poem discusses sadness can be felt as it describes the distance, separation, silence and yet it also mention sweetness as it describes the layers of their lives as that of the wedding cake. The wedding cake is example of the sweetness that used to be apart of their lives. 

                When reading the poem questions of why ran through my mind. Why did they get a divorce? Did they attempt to work things out? Did they just quit? Was there someone else?  The poem makes me wonder what exactly happened during their marriage. She talks about being young and helpless.  Were they so young and when they matured they decided they were not compatible anymore. The lack of information did not make the poem difficult for me to read. The poem just sparked my curiosity of why. The poet did a marvelous job getting her emotion and feelings across through the poem. I was able to speculate that possibly it was an ugly divorce because of the way the poet states who are we to each other now. At one time they had the title of husband and wife and now they are no one to one another just an ex. It is a beautiful poem of a relationship even though it came to an end.

Stitches.....my thoughts....

             The graphic novel Stitches was a book I would have probably never picked up at the bookstore and read it just for the fun of it. The book was a hard book to simply just put down. I wanted to continue reading it every chance I had to see what was going to happen next.

          The novel allowed the reader not only to read the captions presented but also showed various types of elaborate illustrations that really made an impact when reading the novel. There are many illustrations throughout the book that have no text whatsoever but one is able to draw conclusions and relate to what the is being illustrated. By reading this book I was able to learn what a tough childhood David had growing up. The lack of love presented by both parents was evident. Betty his mom did not know how to be a loving, nurturing mother.  Because growing up as child Betty was not shown that attention it was more of a tough love attention. When reading the novel we were introduced to Betty's mom the grandmother, and she was not very loving at all. The way she disciplined David by scrubbing his hands and dragging him was probably only a glimpse of how she treated David's mom Betty.His parents always complained about how much money they were spending on David. It seemed as if David was more of a burden than a blessing. However, it was perfectly fine for them to spend money on luxury items. 

                I enjoyed reading this graphic novel. It allowed me to relate more with the characters because I was able to visually see what was actually occurring with the characters in the novel. I also enjoyed it because sometimes you had to draw your own conclusions on what was actually happening or why some illustrations were present. All in all it was a great read.  

The Day that Changed Our Family Forever.....

                 There have been many events that have occurred in my childhood that have changed my perspective of  of how I view adults. The one that stands out the most is the day that changed our family forever.  I just returned  from a play date with our next door  neighbor. My mother had been cleaning house all day. We used to live in a 3500 square feet ,three story house which consisted of a library, living room, dinning room,entrance parlor, and  kitchen, on first floor and five bedrooms and 3 bathrooms upstairs plus the basement and  laundary room on lower level. The house was massive and required a full day to clean. As we entered, I saw that my Dad was intoxicated, slurring his words and saying nonsense  accusations.  Talking nonsense was the usual  way he would appear when he drank.  My neighbor asked my mom if she wanted  me to go over to their house for a little while longer  but my mom  embarrassed of my dad drunk conditions,  in front of the neighbor, declined. I was a little upset because I didn't want to be around my dad. He is such a completely different man when he is under the influence of alcohol. 

            My mom went into the kitchen  to continue her chores and my dad followed her. I went into our library and overheard them  argue. I heard something shatter but did not think anything of it. I couldn't take the arguing any more.  So I decided to head upstairs to my room. As I set my foot on the first step I hear my mom yelling " Call 9 1 1". I run up the stairs.  The set of stairs felt like they were never going to end. I finally reach the phone dial 911 and told  the operator I needed  help and gave  her my address. 

       A police officer  immediately  arrived and I ran down the stairs to let him in. He goes into the kitchen and to my surprise I saw my dad attempting to shove my moms face to hit the kitchen marble floor. The officer arrests my dad.and puts him in handcuffs. As he is escorted to the police car, he keeps repeating he loved his wife and it was self defense. .  The paramedics arrive, they tend to my mom. She is put on a stretcher and we head to the hospital. After that incident my mom made up her mind that it was time to file for divorce.  She had put up with his verbal abuse for  twenty-three years of marriage but would not tolerate physical abuse, especially as she really thought  she was going to die that day.

          My dad went around telling everyone that my mom tried to hurt him and it was self defense.  He played the victim and wanted everyone's sympathy vote. During the duration of the divorce and still  to this day he talks  negative about my mom.Yet my mother has never spoken bad about him , she says actions speaks stronger than words. She may think of all the horrible things he has done but never attempts to speak or put us against him.

        The event of my dad harming my mom and lying to people about what he had done  forever changed the way I saw adults. In my mind , I saw adults especially your parents as people who are  there to protect you. They are the one who teach you not to lie,and  they  always say they want whats best for you. The fact that my own dad tried to take the life of his wife, mother of his children, a woman who supported all his dreams and work along side him with the family business  and then lied about it showed me that people are not always what they seem.  Here was a man who stood out in the social circle of affluent friends, community and business associates, who had charisma and influential power with others, continued to pretend that what he did was justifiable. This impacted my life in many ways in the manner that adults may pretend to be what they are not.

 My first childhood memory is the time I broke my left arm because I was climbing a tree. The house that we lived in had this enormous tree in the front yard. My older brother and his friends would always climb it and it looked like it was so much fun. One summer day my neighbor and I were playing outside. I had this brilliant idea that we should climb the tree. She climbed the tree with no problem and made it look so easy. It was my turn to climb the tree I had a little bit of anxiety but I was determined to climb this tree. I started to climb and my anxiety decreased. I finally reached the part of the tree that I was able to sit upon. It was the greatest feeling sitting high up in the tree looking down and seeing how far up we were. My neighbor had the idea that we should jump down from the tree. She was able to stand with no problem and jumped from the tree without any hesitation. However me on the other hand I was nervous and scared as I started to stand up on the tree branch I lost my balance and ending up falling from the tree and landing on my left arm. I was in a significant amount of pain. However, I was in a fear to tell my mom what had happened. I finally went inside and told her that I fell out of the tree. She immediately took me to the hospital and they did an x ray. My arm was indeed broken, the best of part of this whole ordeal was being able to wear a pink cast.