Acceptance.

As I reflect on the years behind me and the years ahead of me I look forward with anticipation. The events that have occurred within the past have shaped the person that I am today. From my perspective the event that changed me in adulthood was finally coming to terms with my brother’s death.  

My big brother Jovani Tovar  left a bar on December 9th 2001. He was 22, a Santa Barbara City College student, a rugby player, an aspiring chef. He saw a man punch a woman in the nose, my brother stepped in to help her. My brother didn't know the man had a gun. The man shot him twice in the chest. My brother Jovani Tovar died. My brother and I were extremely close we were the rice and beans of the family we went hand in hand. The sudden death of him really changed my perspective of life. I was thirteen when he was murdered. My teen years were extremely difficult I partied a lot, and didn't grieve for my brother correctly. Therefore when I use to drink my emotions would spiral out of control. It wasn't until the tenth anniversary memorial party for my brother that everything finally clicked.

I finally realized that my brother would not want me to carry around this emotion with me and cry for him constantly but rather to live for him because he lives on through all the lives he touched while he was alive.  This realization happened after I had relocated from California to Texas to better myself.  I moved away from California not running away but merely closing the chapter behind to start a new one. People who have not experience a loss so close to home find it difficult to understand how one can dwell on the death of a loved one for so long.  Ten years is a long time to carry a huge weight on my heart, it was exhausting, and troublesome. Time does not heal anything it just makes one realize what they are truly missing. The fact that I have come to terms with my brother’s death has made me a better person. Sometimes when people die so suddenly it really gives one a reality check that life is so precious and we should not take advantage of the life we have. Of course I have days where I hear a song or smell a smell, or reminisce of our memories that cause me to tear up but it is healthy grievance. I have accepted the fact that I was lucky enough to have my brother apart of my life for thirteen years. His death has left a heartache that no one will be able to heal. But his death also allowed for us to appreciate the true meaning of life.  I no longer have the need to always question why? And dwell on his death. I no longer dwell on his death but celebrate his life instead. 

  All in all, I am grateful for all the experiences that have occurred in my life. I know without them I would not be who I am today. For all my experience good and bad have shaped me for the better. I do in fact miss my brother more than words could ever express but I know by my determination to succeed I will make him proud by living my life to the fullest.

His resting place.

last time I saw my brother.